The Spider

Pain pierces my heart. My feet feel like they are on fire. I hurt so much — for my companion, my business partner, my teacher, the love of my life.  Everything feels boring to me. The fire, the excitment, the discovery is all gone. When we ended, so much in my life died with it. I can’t go back to him — he would lose any respect he may have for me. He would expect me to make my own way. To not look back, to not whimper and whine. To be the warrior he trained me to be. All I want to do today is curl up and die.
A spider built a web across my patio after the rain storm yesterday. I had to go out there this morning. I carefully brushed the side web supports — the large, red and brown spider reacted. She fled to the other side as her web came down. Clinging to the railing, she waited. I sat in the sun a moment or two. Watered my herbs and watched her. It is early October and the leaves are changing and my herbs need harvesting. I got up and walked back inside. I turned to watch the spider. She began to move and assess the damage. Checking what was left of the web supports on the railing. Then she stopped and huddled on the underside of the railing.
I understand how she feels. I built my web in an unsafe place. I saw all my hard work, my structure dashed. I too am clinging to the railing in my life, my family, until I can rebuild. More wisely this time.
My teacher would want me to not take my pain so seriously. It is just pain. Heartache, grief. It will not kill me. How do I move on when all my hopes and dreams have been destroyed?
Like the spider. Rest and rebuild. Hopefully in a better place.

4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Amy
    Oct 02, 2010 @ 14:11:19

    You’re such a strong woman. I have told so many people about the “amazing and adventurous journalist” and the “insanely smart and wise lady” that I was lucky enough to spend time with in China.
    Remember about a year ago when I started down a rough and hard road of my life. You were there and told me to be strong. You told me stories of the struggles, physical and emotional, that you had been faced with and overcame. I see now that everything you said was true. It’s tough for a while, but things do get better. On every journey we take in life, we face challenges, meet new people and learn new things about the world and ourselves.
    I know you’re hurting right now, but you will see (sooner or later) that everything happens for a reason, and that this experience will shape some part of your life or spirit. Stay strong, Jess, you’re an amazhing person and you deserve an amazing life.
    Much Love,
    Amy :o)


  2. jessinamerica
    Oct 04, 2010 @ 01:18:31

    Hi Amy, thanks for your kind words. I’m slogging through this, one day at a time. Love to you and yours. I’m so happy to see you travelling again. You are intrepid. Always,


  3. S.Smith - RealTaiji
    Nov 13, 2010 @ 19:13:18

    Your compassion is apparent and poetic.


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